2011... 2012?

I wish I could begin to remember what all happened in 2011; all I know it that is seems like it went in a blink of an eye, so it shouldn't be too hard to remember, right?
However, I don't feel like I had a big 'POP' for 2011.
Graduation? Starting college? Roscoe. I guess. But, that was all kind of planned out.
So, should I be happy I stuck with what I said I would do, or kick myself in the ass for not doing something more, well, spectacular.
I guess I am not sure how to feel.
Maybe a couple of drinks will help. Speaking of, where is my alcohol?
But all things aside, I know other people have had a worse year than me. If I can't even remember what happened, it has to not be important.
Here is to 2012, not dying in some predicted event, and writing another blog next year, actually happy with what I did, or did not, accomplish.

Goodnight...

It's happening again... 
The weird dreams.
I can't remember if they were during or after or before the last time.
However, one cannot deny, well, I cannot deny that the feelings are back, the thoughts, the images. 
Those damn fucking images.....
A rope and a chair.
A gun in the mouth.
The funeral.
Here they are again, saying HELLO.
Well, hell-fucking-o again to you old friend. Why are you here? Why did you come back? And most importantly, when are you leaving? Can you leave before I do something stupid again, because I was really liking your vacancy in my brain, I will not lie to you. We have been through so much.
But, I must ask. Why me? Why now? 
Who will be here to stop me? Who will be here to save me? 
Stop Megan stop.
Don't tell it all your secrets. Don't let him know what he shouldn't know.
I don't wanna do this all again...
I don't. I can't.
I'm not strong enough.

I can't be held responsible she fell in love in the first place.

Sometimes I am not sure which directions I am facing. 
Sure, college, right track, bullshit.
But, what does that say about me? Because, sometimes, I am not sure who I am, what I am, what I stand for.
Sellout?
That is how I feel I am. Looking back to the Lakewood self, all of the things I said I would never do. Well, the list has dwindled down to just a few, so what does that mean? 
I don't know who I am.
I know what I like, and sometimes I think, heyoh, I resemble that, yeah.
But, it's all bullshit. That isn't me. That is a mainstream image that was created, and I think I can recreate.
Well, I can't.
I don't even know how to find myself. Can I Google that?

.....

Don't wanna do this anymore.

Don't think I can take anymore.

Feeling unstable again.

I am tired of the same thing every time...

Life As I Want It

Rumor has it:
It is wrong to want a lot of things, material things? I want a house; I never really had one to call my own. I want a giant backyard, filled with toys for my children to play with. A swingset, a sandbox, a small garden they help me with, a pool. I want a wrap around porch, where I can sit with my love, and grow old together on. I want a fireplace, a mantel and all so I can hang stockings when it is Christmas time. I want a staircase, so I can watch my little girl walk down it when she goes to prom. I want a backyard patio, where in the Summer we grill and spend the summers outside. I want a small balcony out of my master bedroom, so that I can look out at the moon on Summer nights. I want a giant tree in the backyard. 
I want a set of twin boys, and a little girl named Kylynn. I want to marry Steven. I want Roscoe to live forever. I want my turtle to live forever. 
There is so much more. 
But, I feel like I am asking a lot...

Silence,

There ain't no reason you and I should be alone tonight baby.
So what happens when you have someone, but you feel alone still? I miss talking to people... I miss my friends. Sure, I have Facebook and Twitter, but all you do it type, just like I am doing here. I can pretend I am talking to someone, but it doesn't compare to verbal communication. I miss home :( Everything was so much better there. It was a bad week if I didn't see Jaxzin one a week. Now, it's a good month if I see him once. Everyone at worked loved me, always talked to me. Now, I sit here all day, talking to a dog and goldfish.... I feel very alone.

I Never Said I Was A Role Model

I thought I couldn't wait to leave, but when I left, all I thought about was home. I thought life on my own would be great, but I am not going to lie, things are hard sometimes. A lot of the time, I am alone. I remember the Garrett apartment. I could call you whenever I wanted company, and you would pop in and keep me company. Things aren't the same anymore. I wish you could be here for me when I just need someone to talk to, to hear another person's voice. But, now. I wish I could be there for you. You were always there for me when I needed you. Each day, no matter what. But now, how can I return the favor being so far away? I know you are struggling, and I just want to be there right now to help carry your burdens, ease the stresses you deal with. But, I am here, no where near you. I could leave now if you wish, but I feel like here is where I need to be. Even if I am here, I want to know I love you. I think of you often. I miss you. A lot.