2011... 2012?

I wish I could begin to remember what all happened in 2011; all I know it that is seems like it went in a blink of an eye, so it shouldn't be too hard to remember, right?
However, I don't feel like I had a big 'POP' for 2011.
Graduation? Starting college? Roscoe. I guess. But, that was all kind of planned out.
So, should I be happy I stuck with what I said I would do, or kick myself in the ass for not doing something more, well, spectacular.
I guess I am not sure how to feel.
Maybe a couple of drinks will help. Speaking of, where is my alcohol?
But all things aside, I know other people have had a worse year than me. If I can't even remember what happened, it has to not be important.
Here is to 2012, not dying in some predicted event, and writing another blog next year, actually happy with what I did, or did not, accomplish.

Goodnight...

It's happening again... 
The weird dreams.
I can't remember if they were during or after or before the last time.
However, one cannot deny, well, I cannot deny that the feelings are back, the thoughts, the images. 
Those damn fucking images.....
A rope and a chair.
A gun in the mouth.
The funeral.
Here they are again, saying HELLO.
Well, hell-fucking-o again to you old friend. Why are you here? Why did you come back? And most importantly, when are you leaving? Can you leave before I do something stupid again, because I was really liking your vacancy in my brain, I will not lie to you. We have been through so much.
But, I must ask. Why me? Why now? 
Who will be here to stop me? Who will be here to save me? 
Stop Megan stop.
Don't tell it all your secrets. Don't let him know what he shouldn't know.
I don't wanna do this all again...
I don't. I can't.
I'm not strong enough.

I can't be held responsible she fell in love in the first place.

Sometimes I am not sure which directions I am facing. 
Sure, college, right track, bullshit.
But, what does that say about me? Because, sometimes, I am not sure who I am, what I am, what I stand for.
Sellout?
That is how I feel I am. Looking back to the Lakewood self, all of the things I said I would never do. Well, the list has dwindled down to just a few, so what does that mean? 
I don't know who I am.
I know what I like, and sometimes I think, heyoh, I resemble that, yeah.
But, it's all bullshit. That isn't me. That is a mainstream image that was created, and I think I can recreate.
Well, I can't.
I don't even know how to find myself. Can I Google that?

.....

Don't wanna do this anymore.

Don't think I can take anymore.

Feeling unstable again.

I am tired of the same thing every time...

Life As I Want It

Rumor has it:
It is wrong to want a lot of things, material things? I want a house; I never really had one to call my own. I want a giant backyard, filled with toys for my children to play with. A swingset, a sandbox, a small garden they help me with, a pool. I want a wrap around porch, where I can sit with my love, and grow old together on. I want a fireplace, a mantel and all so I can hang stockings when it is Christmas time. I want a staircase, so I can watch my little girl walk down it when she goes to prom. I want a backyard patio, where in the Summer we grill and spend the summers outside. I want a small balcony out of my master bedroom, so that I can look out at the moon on Summer nights. I want a giant tree in the backyard. 
I want a set of twin boys, and a little girl named Kylynn. I want to marry Steven. I want Roscoe to live forever. I want my turtle to live forever. 
There is so much more. 
But, I feel like I am asking a lot...

Silence,

There ain't no reason you and I should be alone tonight baby.
So what happens when you have someone, but you feel alone still? I miss talking to people... I miss my friends. Sure, I have Facebook and Twitter, but all you do it type, just like I am doing here. I can pretend I am talking to someone, but it doesn't compare to verbal communication. I miss home :( Everything was so much better there. It was a bad week if I didn't see Jaxzin one a week. Now, it's a good month if I see him once. Everyone at worked loved me, always talked to me. Now, I sit here all day, talking to a dog and goldfish.... I feel very alone.

I Never Said I Was A Role Model

I thought I couldn't wait to leave, but when I left, all I thought about was home. I thought life on my own would be great, but I am not going to lie, things are hard sometimes. A lot of the time, I am alone. I remember the Garrett apartment. I could call you whenever I wanted company, and you would pop in and keep me company. Things aren't the same anymore. I wish you could be here for me when I just need someone to talk to, to hear another person's voice. But, now. I wish I could be there for you. You were always there for me when I needed you. Each day, no matter what. But now, how can I return the favor being so far away? I know you are struggling, and I just want to be there right now to help carry your burdens, ease the stresses you deal with. But, I am here, no where near you. I could leave now if you wish, but I feel like here is where I need to be. Even if I am here, I want to know I love you. I think of you often. I miss you. A lot.

Tread on water, treat her with respect.

Sweet Caroline, good times never felt so good. I really like starting my blog posts with lyrics from the song I am listening too, or naming my blog post that. 

I have to say, it made me realize that is wasn't how I imagined it, and I don't think yours was either. I wanna recreate that with you, but how do you do something like that without overstepping, since it took place with you. I don't know how to do it, but it seems romantic to me. I wanna suggest it, but am afraid of hurting your feelings. I realize now that I wasn't what I said I was; I just said it. I never thought about it really, and it's not so much a big deal since I didn't get hurt like you might have. What to do, what to do?

The Moral of the Story is You Can't Trust the System

Not gonna lie, I feel pretty chill today, creative too. I like Saturdays. So many things to throw on the ground. I'M AN ADULT. Maybe this is why I am so cool with shit today. Nostalgia mixed with humor.

Be my friend, Help.

Seventeen, the hot July moon, saw everything.
I am not sure what I wanna do with my life. It that bad? I am almost twenty years old, shouldn't at this point I have this all figured out? Well, at least I should have to since I have my whole college paid for. I don't wanna make any mistakes. I don't wanna go into almost fifty thousand in debt. Rather, I want to one day give my children what I never had. Then again, I don't even know if I want children. Roscoe is a handful and a half, and he pisses me off, a lot. Could I handle that with a human? And to think I wanted twins! Maybe it is different if you house them in your body for nine months. It's not that I don't love Roscoe or love the idea of having children, it is my patience that doesn't. Maybe that is what I should Google next time I am over that way; patience building techniques.

Don't know why, White Liar

It's a musical kind of day. I thought today was going to be bad, but it looks like I judged too quickly. However, my wisdom teeth are really kicking me today, so that could be better. Yet, it looks like everything is going to work out well. I am really excited about the rest of my life. First semester is over, and then I will work towards graduation, which is going to come too soon. Things have went better than I expected in some aspects. Steven found a job right away, I am still best friends with my best friend, I have seen my family, Jaxzin is awesome, and everything has fallen into place quite beautifully. I am not feel like I belong at Purdue socially, but one thing is for sure; God wants me here for the plan He has set out for me. Life is beautiful.

College..

First semester is almost done... Time flies :( and I cannot help but feel I have not accomplished anything. I am worried about grades, not having crap for a resume once I leave college... Then what? I wish I could stay in school forever, get paid to do it. Now is the time they say what you do matters the most, and with me feeling like I have done nothing, well. This could cause me some problems.. I need to be a better student. I need to go to my classes, study, do my homework to learn something from it, not just to get it done. Shit is important, and I need to take things more seriously. This is my life. So, I think I will make that part of my New Years Resolution. Resolutions I should say. I need a fire lit under my ass. I need to start doing what I say I am going to do, start taking care of things better. Yeah, I think I will.

Please look up

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. Things are looking up! I'm gonna be a sibling again, and everything is calm. Maybe it's the holidays? Things just feel right today. Shit has happened, but it's not a shitty mood. I don't really feel like writing.

Sigh

I find myself coming to you only when I am down. A month has went by, so things must not be that bad, but a month flashes past in a blink of a damn eye. I feel like making this post angry, cuss word laden, but what would that do? Nothing. What will this post do? Nothing as well. Oh well. I'd rather let it lie here then ferment in my brain. I don't even feel like explaining anything here. I know what is wrong today. What really is wrong today? Just annoyed I guess. I am tired of being annoyed, but mostly I am tired. I don't even do anything. What am I even doing? Why am I writing out the argument my brain is having on this computer? Fuck it.

Unsure

I don't know what to feel right now, or if I even want to feel anything. Do I hate you? Do I just forget? Can I forgive you? Should I forgive you? I want to hate you, for I feel betrayed. You were the only one I had, the only one I trusted. And now, now where are we? I feel as if we are facing two different paths. However, you are tied to me, and I to you. How can we move on without a heartache? I don't think I can ever just forget it....